Idk what to tell my mom. That I'm struggling.. But isn't everyone. When I explain what I just did above, there's never really any answer. It's just unknown, silence. I'm not sure what it is. But everyone's living their lives - I screaming out for an answer. Maybe I'm negative, depressed. Adaptable people are smart and can navigate their way through anything - I'm not truly alive. I think I never will be. It's where I've been forced to suffocate the thing, deep down, out of fear.

Maybe people don't like to hear me complaining - And I just have to continue with life. I wanted to live last night so I didn't use anymore of something that would stop my heart. I wake up this morning, the same as mostly every morning. The only reason I wanted to live is because of my mom. Otherwise, I'd go completely insane and do what I want. Death is like DMT - Except more risky.

I wish there was a peaceful non-existence. But that's not possible - It's 'something', all the way down - Or up.. or wherever I'm going. I hate it so much. As much as I try to ignore the fact that this illusion, not identifying with any of it - Cuz I know the ugly truth.. Negativity is what I am and there's no changing that. Something for people to judge, dismiss, hate and use.