I personally feel you may benefit by talking with a therapist/counselar about this, and tell them exactly what you just posted here, it isn't futile even if you feel it is right now. Let the professional(s) be the ones to do any diagnosing, if possible avoid self diagnosis from reading internet stuff, though it's helpful it can also cause unecessary confusion and stress.
Don't be afraid to get help, you'd be surprised how it can improve your life and outlook.
I wish you lots of luck with this, welcome to PC.
Please, take care.

DE