Yesterday, I had a really good/bad therapy session. I had changed my appointment day from Tuesdays to Wednesdays because I felt the stress of therapy was adversely affecting my evening golf league play. I have to set priority right?

Anyhow, I tried the best I could to discuss my concerns about my ADHD diagnosis, medication, weight loss, my H’s picking. I did a lot of stuttering and squirming but I believe I got most of my concerns out. I was off the Adderall for six days and noticed a big difference in some of my ADHD symptoms. Sunrise, I want you to know that she echoed some of the same comments you sent me at one point. Basically, if the Adderall helps me, WTF is the big deal about taking it!!! She stated that if my problem was simply anxiety that the Adderall or a stimulant would likely increase my anxiety and result in me feeling more hyper, jittery, restless, irritable and unable to focus. I feel less of this when I am on the medication..SO TAKE IT! As for the weight loss she said, “You know what you are doing, trust yourself.” This part of the session was good.

We talked about my H briefly. She basically seemed tired of me at this point. She mentioned that she had seen “3 no make that 4 women” stuck in the same state today. Maybe she was just trying to make me see that my problem is not unique or pathological but whatever. She made me feel like I was just another one of her indecisive women who can’t figure out if they should stay or go. I didn’t need to hear that I was just one of many weak ballbags that come in to bend her ear every two weeks.

Then we talked about my pattern of withholding information. This is where the session went downhill. I told her that I am still struggling with honestly telling people (medical professionals) about my actual symptoms. She basically condemned me for this, said it was a ridiculous for me to not my doctor my symptoms, that it was simply learned pattern, and that I just need to break it. Like, I don’t know this! I don’t do it deliberately! I tried unsuccessfully to explain that some topics when mentioned just make me shiver for no apparent reason. I stutter and trip over my words and can’t focus. I feel like a total moron. I want to express things but then can’t remember what they are or can’t find the words to convey them. Then when I get home crap just bubbles up, the emotions come back, but it’s too late. She just said it’s an old pattern, likely stems from being raised in a home with an alcoholic. I just need to speak up and get over it. I THINK I’ve been trying to do that, but its not working. I CAN just push this nervousness aside when speaking in public or at work. But when I do this my emotions/ questions/concerns go away along with the nervousness. I must just be just totally dense or something. At one point she asked me if I “emote” when I interact with my friends or H. She knows damn well that I have difficultly doing this because I don’t EMOTE during therapy and most of my complaints stem from my inability to share with others how I am feeling. I know some of you are probably thinking, ‘good for her for being blunt with you—you needed a kick in the ***, to stop wining and hear the truth.’ Maybe this is true but I didn’t like it, and I’m kind of pissed off about it today. I know I will get over it by next session, but today I’m angry and feel like pitying myself.

Anyhow here is where, at this very moment, I feel like I made some progress. Although I again did not stand up and actually say how her responses were making me feel during the session. I did then later express them in an email. I know it’s not the same thing, but at least it’s something. I know I should be able to recognize my feelings during the session and said, “Stop, I don’t care if you heard the same crap for the past 3 hours, you need to listen to it again, ‘cause it’s me this time not Mary, Sue, or Jane.” Now I usually feel really upset with myself when I email my T, especially when I don’t sit on the message for a while and revise and censor it. I even allowed myself to be a bit childish by stating that “I think I like the Tuesday you better than the Wednesday you.”

This morning, I feel OK about it too. I wasn’t rude, wasn’t pathetically needy, and I wasn’t excessively winy. I simply tried to communicate my actual feelings about the session. Hopefully she will see my email not as an attack, but as an attempt to “break my learned pattern” of ignoring and denying when someone’s tone and comments are hurtful. There you go, even more disclosure… I WAS HURT. Not necessarily by the content of the message but by the way it was conveyed --and I communicated this. That’s at least some progress, don’t you think? Now I just have to work on "emoting" live and in person. Can you tell that word isn't sitting well with me this morning, LOL.

Not only do I feel good about expressing myself I actually transferred this expressiveness to my interactions with my H. He started picking at me again this morning. When he used the F- word with me, I simply said, "call me back when you can address me properly" and hung up. He didn’t call me back or apologize but he was much more civil towards me when I arrive back home.

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad session after all.