I am currently wildly paranoid but at least I recognize it as such and am trying to fact check.

I pushed myself to physically go to group instead of doing virtual at home. It was terrible, I was panicking the whole time, I spent the whole time either playing with my fidget or writing safety statements. Which is not a problem obviously, those are healthy coping skills. But the safety statements usually help and they did not, and I wrote dozens of them.

I was supposed to get my hair cut but I can’t bear even the thought so I didn’t. I came home, deadbolted the doors, double checked and locked all the windows, and I’m here in my room with my door shut but I don’t know where the key is (it’s a mortise lock).

I’m definitely calmer now that I’m at home. I’m very tired from the anxiety so I may take a nap. I’m fighting strong self harm urges. I did a pro/con and the cons outweigh the pros, as expected. Mainly if I go IP again they likely won’t let me out, I’ll be sent to the state hospital, which has a horrific reputation. I know it’s probably awful because I was in the one for kids before they shut it down for mistreatment of patients. Yeah I witnessed that every day.

I wish the dr would take me seriously and give me haldol but all she’s saying is it’s “expected” and understandable” and I just need to use my skills. So I have my stuffed animal and an ice pack and I’m going to lay here until it’s time to pick my son up from camp. Not exactly fighting it but not completely feeding into it either.