I am unfocused and impulsive.

I'm addicted to things. I don't want to be. I'm not sure why I self medicate in the first place.

I was getting a haircut, and my moms boss walked in. He seems to have bad ADHD but is a genius. I didn't want to talk to him cuz I had nothing to say. How can I have anything to say anyways? Is it disorganized schizophrenia? Am I stupid?

It would be cool to be a genius, and talk constantly, be manic as he does.. I was just anxious and too scared to talk to the person cutting my hair. It actually seemed really disturbing. Like people should hate me.

He used to be addicted to things and then stopped CT, focuses his energy on building the company (Millionaire).

I just want to... sabotage my whole life. In school, with family, friends, it was a blow to the mind.. to end up so quiet and introverted. With paranoia/anxiety. Watching every move that I make, everything that I say - In case "SOME AUTHORITY.." strikes me, punishes me - And I'm so damn secretive too.. I sniffed drugs from capsules in the passenger seat of my moms ex's car and he didn't notice.

Feeling that nothing is real for such a long time. It's all true. And what am I supposed to do - When no one understands.

Abilify made me manic - Many years ago, I was addicted to having cyber sex too, spending money on research chemicals, dancing around, overdosing and knocking myself out or staying up for days, not eating, crying, not taking care of myself. Idk even know what my talents are anymore. I ****ed up my life. It's over LOL.

My mom asked me if I'm OK today and I shouted YES.. I've had enough of the nonsense. I'm just too normal to be surrounded by the ****ery that I was in. IT WASN'T A REAL FAMILY. IT'S NOT NORMAL. STOP ASKING ME WHY I'M NOT HAPPY WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN AND DELUDED. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

And look what's happening to everyone. People are either on one side or the other, killing each other, arguing. It's like everyone is just apart of my imagination - Like a nonsense reality. I have no grounding, and I don't even want to be. But I'm desperate to be OK - I don't even know what that is. If everyone has flaws and w/e, and people are all different.. Combine them.. And it's just a monkey space rock of delusions.