Woke up at 5am and tension and anxiety set in immediately. My head is killing me and I feel sick to my stomach. This is rather unpleasant.

I’m reminding myself that it’s an emotion and it will not kill me. I did get to the convenience store by myself briefly and I am sitting in the living room so that’s already an improvement. The guy at the store made me nervous because he asked how my kids were and I didn’t know he knew I had a kid, how could he know? I rarely bring CR to that particular store. Maybe he got me mixed up with someone else. Or maybe he’s keeping tabs on me. Although that can’t be true. Fact check, dammit.

Terrible self harm urges. I don’t feel like I have to to appease the dark force like I did a year ago though. And voices aren’t too loud. So I’m reminding myself of that as well, that it’s not as bad as before and therefore I am more in control.

I think I’m going to take seroquel when I get home from the interview because I need to sleep this **** off. I can’t be in a complete panic all ****ing day today, I WILL harm myself and I don’t want that at all. It’s been 114 days.

Oh please don’t let me go IP. I’ll have to agree to ECT, god please no.