I feel like I'm spamming the check-in thread with my *****iness and wussiness so for those of you that don't like me I guess it's easier to just not check this thread than to scroll past my posts there.

I just called the crisis line for like the fifth time in the past two days. It's the same shyt every time "just do something you enjoy that normally helps you" well have you never been through this??? NOTHING HELPS. I tried learning a new song on keyboard and guess what I just got angrier at myself for being an incompetent piece of shyt who can do nothing but crush and snort pills. So then I tried journaling which was ok but didn't really help. I really feel like all my problems combined are too much for one person to handle and I should just end it.
Even when I was clean for a year I was a wreck. So how long does this take? I may not even live a year. I'm in a city in America there's a good chance I'll get shot at the grocery store this weekend so why shouldn't I get by life the only way I know how?