Thread: Confused...
View Single Post
 
Old May 29, 2008, 12:32 PM
Typo's Avatar
Typo Typo is offline
Elder
 
Member Since: Feb 2008
Location: In a Cloud
Posts: 5,112
I don't understand I just don't understand why I do this to myself over and over again. Last night I gave in..I got so despereat that I broke a cd case cover to use. After words I felt this rush of peace and relief.

I hate myself for doing it..yet in a sense I'm glad I did. My thoughts have been consumed with self injury for weeks, I've been clenching my jaw, my hands have been achey and shaking, and then I si and I felt better..even if it was just for those few minutes I felt better.

Yet today I hate myself for doing it..today I feel miserable and I hurt from the cuts I made..I feel panicy because I keep having to adjust my shorts so noone can see all the cuts I made.

I know today is a new day..and I can start all over again...but I feel like I'm trapped in some horrible vicious cycle..I fight and I fight..but sometimes the deisire to fight leaves me..I caught myself thinking today..just give up the fight your not going to win..just give up.

I keep reminders of why I fight close to me...I fight for a future..to be a police officer..I fight so I won't hurt my family and friends..I fight so that one day maybe I will be rid of this horrible addiction..

Yet somedays I just want to give up...I'm to the point where I am almost done fighting..I feel like just curling up under the covers and hiding from all the bad thoughts and all the bad memories and all the bad dreams..

I feel so confused..I feel so angry at myself for being confused..Why do I toy with myself like this? Why do I work so hard just to tear it all down..I will keep fighting..I know I will it's just today I keep trying to talk myself into giving up..I just need some hugs..I just need someone who understands..