Quote:
Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover
Focus on you. What dreams did you set aside to accommodate him? What hopes did you abandon because he had other ideas? What life do you want for yourself? If you want to change your patterns, then do things differently. Reading books about his personality, about his behavior, about his mental health is focusing on him. Sure it can help you understand, but it's still focusing on him. Focus on you. Try something new every day. A new food, a new coffee shop, a new way to wear your hair, a new nail color, a new exercise, a new way to drive home... open your life to new things and new patterns and new people will fill your life.
When I was first separated, I was lost. I read an article online about healing from emotional trauma. It didn't click. I read books and more articles, my understanding grew, but I didn't change and I wasn't feeling better. It still didn't click. I went to a therapist who for a year listened to me every 2 weeks desperately try to feel better. It still didn't click. One day, he asked me to name all the things I was feeling. There were so many feelings and it was all so complicated and it was like I was trapped. That was the day I named all the things I was feeling at one time Joe. I have no idea where the name came from, but that was the day things clicked for me. From that day on, I only dealt with "Joe" when it was convenient for me. You see, obsessing over "Joe" filled the time I had previously devoted to my ex. And like my ex, "Joe" didn't treat me well, didn't support me, didn't communicate with me, didn't give me anything... then I actually filled my time with things for me. I started walking and met 5 elderly ladies who walked in the mall and joined them. It will be 8 years this winter. I would not be who I am today without these women. But I wouldn't have ever met them if I hadn't focused on myself.
I did eventually deal with "Joe". Focusing on myself made me stronger, smarter and more confident so I could deal with it.
I wish you the best. I hope you and your children live your happiest lives.
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Thank you. I’ve been in this mindset since a young child but I want to be different. I will be different. I realize there has always been someone important in my life telling me I can’t trust myself. And it’s the same people I can’t trust to have my best interest in mind.
I like your solution with “Joe.” I love mind tricks that give us power.
I’m doing what I need to be doing in action, I am a doer, but my thinking and feeling is warped and I know it. Straightening it out. Many Decades of kinks take awhile to undo. I am disillusioned, which is starting to feel good instead of unnerving. I’ve had some positive experiences at work and home so I’m feeling more capable.
I set aside hopes and dreams as a child. I was brainwashed about what life is and what my life should be. I didn’t develop properly into the real me. I was an overly responsible child, practicing being humble and obedient, thankful for anything even bad things. Trained not to trust my perceptions, recollections, conclusions. I barely slept at night because I was so afraid. So many scary things being introduced to me and happening around me as a child. Talk of abuse, my parents’ terrible childhoods, terrible relationships, premature deaths, mental illnesses. Addictions. Suicide. Murders. Had nightmares all the time. I was a perfectionist. I never pictured what life I want. I very specifically remember only seeing blackness when thinking of the future, when friends would talk about their future. I couldn’t imagine marriage and children, going places, going to college, and I never even considered getting married until my husband and I got pregnant. I wanted to go to art school but that was impossible in my circumstances.
I had a tough time yesterday reassuring myself that I can trust my perceptions. Today I feeling more confident.
I can’t worry about my husband anymore. It’s not good for me. I must only do what’s good for me.
My hopes now are to take some trips with my kids. I want to find a creative group to belong to. I want to invite people over again. I want to be involved with more fun outside the home. I want my daughter and I to feel carefree. It’s been so long since we’ve felt carefree.
I hope everything will be okay like this for awhile because I need a break.
Just 3 wks ago could not imagine my husband being out of the home. I had no idea how it would be accomplished, but knew it had to happen somehow. And here it is happened. So that’s good.
Thanks for your support.