Man do I feel wired! I was up at 3am and boy was I glad to be up at 3am because it was cool enough to wear my new Planet Zero hoodie. I should've gone for a walk but it was dark out and I don't want to get mugged/raped/shot/chopped into pieces and thrown in a dumpster. The midnight nation. So I just stood on the balcony enjoying the crisp air. If you're having panic attacks stick your head in a bowl of ice water or take a cold shower. That's what the crisis number lady told me last night. Just dunking my head in cold water didn't help much but I don't think it was cold enough so I got off the phone and took a cold shower and that helped. My grandma had panic disorder and loved winter because when she had panic attacks she would just go outside and it would help. She was addicted to Xanax but her doc was ok with it because she was old and it helped. My cousin says the same thing although she is a lot newer to panic attacks.
But the thing about the cold shower is I hate being naked. It's why I have poor hygiene. It's kind of a paranoia/kind of a trauma thing. I guess when in crisis I can get over that though since it helps. Dad might be like why tf is Boots taking a shower at 2am? but whatever he puts too much salt on his food.
I don't think I will be calling the crisis line today. I gave away my stash and I hid any of my favorite SH instruments with a note to call the crisis line if I feel the need to use them. But they're in a drawer in my nightstand that I have to move like 50lbs of books to get to them.
I'm starting to feel like most of my mental health stuff is caused by trauma rather than biological origins. I hid it forever under a bubbly mask and then it turned angry and then *I* turned to anything to numb that anger. And then I went seeking out more trauma because that's what I had learned I deserved.