Tomorrow is the 5-year anniversary of the fire. I'm acutely feeling the aftereffects of that right now. It's been 5 years since I've seen my ex (unless you count the two times I saw him in court, in shackles and prison attire) and I'm feeling the impact of the loneliness. I feel like I need an apology or some sort of explanation for what happened. I want to know how he feels about me now and if he's had any sort of growth since then. Does he still think the way he was treating me was okay? Does he think it was no big deal to casually threaten to kill me? He did all this crap and I still want to see him. I'm so messed up. I doubt anyone in my life, other than P, even knows that it's the anniversary. I'm feeling kind of sui, but not in an emotional way.