Hugs, NP. Do you see P tomorrow? (or today). It seems like talking about your desire to hear that from your ex (and to see him) could be helpful. I think it's completely natural to have such mixed emotions about it, including feeling lonely and wanting to see him. But also wanting an apology, to know he's changed, etc.

And is there maybe something else you can do for yourself tomorrow, like a sort of self-care thing? (I know, that sounds cheesy.) Is there anyone in your life that you'd trust to talk to about this, even just to let them know it's going to be a difficult day for you without going into why?

Keep posting here if it's helpful.