I'm worried I'm going to get addicted to benzos next. They've practically been shoving them down my throat for the past year and now they don't do anything. I just had a fight with my fss worker because she told me to take some kpin to calm down and stop pacing but now I just feel not so great and really agitated when I was on top of hte motha****in world before I talked to her.

I told her I thought my new friend was plotting something against me and she said "that's reasonable given your history with men" and I wasn't even thinking about that and now I'm ruminating and I figured out why my (now ex?)boyfriend won't let me to his apartment. He knows I'm capable of blind rage and he's given me reason to take it out on him. If he comes over here (which he hasn't in months because he got arrested) he'll be on alert but if I don't know where he lives I can't sneak in and get him off guard.

She told me not to drive. Said to stay home all week (not even go for walks because she doesn't want me freaking out, running, and passing out in the heat because we're in a heat wave) and she'll try to get my meds delivered to me. I told her about my drug use yesterday and she didn't seem too concerned about it compared to what I was doing prior to two weeks ago.

I would call the team and tell them I want to take the rest of my kpin because I'm sick of these crazy emotions that never end. I feel like with bipolar mood swings they last longer and are more consistent but I'm like YEAH Z-SPINS!!!! THIS AWESOME FEELING WILL NEVER END! THEN a minute later I'm screaming and punching walls (well, if I have some semblance of impulse control a pillow but I usually don't and then I'm laying on the ground crying and then for the next hour I'm dissociated and exhausted but still agitated.