Dear T,

Oh wow, I don't even know where to start with that dream last night. But I seriously think the gist of it is worth remembering. I am feeling very tearful this morning after it. An old school friend. Buried truths. Hidden hurts and animosities. She sent a letter about her struggles with her son, and for some reason I decided to reach out to try and 'help'?. Maybe because I recognised some of me in what she was describing. But she wouldn't talk to me. Cue the hidden hurts and animosities. She said something like "because a part of you is you, and a part of you is (my name)". And all I could do was burst into years and plead "and who is (my name)??".

We had a heartfelt exchange of words, and whilst I never did tell her the root cause, I did tell her that I was dealing with some stuff that was just incomprehensible to a 14 year old. How I am struggling to get my head round it as an adult, so how did I stand a chance as a teenager. I spent some time trying to describe my feelings and my life back then... I just only wish I could remember the picture and the words I used.

She seemed to understand, a little. She had no idea I couldn't remember as much as I can't. Was taken aback by my questions, and I was seriously surprised that she was hiding these hidden hurts, about me. I didn't think anyone would have cared one iota. I didn't think I was significant enough to matter.

Maybe I still don't, in real life.

I would like to have that sort of conversation. For sure. I would like things to be released. But maybe this dream is just another step on this weird as **** journey that I'm on.