Hi Rive,

I spent eighteen months preparing for crying in front of R. I strongly felt it was something I needed to allow myself to do, and yet I was so anxious about it that I couldn't even say the word.

When it finally happened, it wasn't something I could have planned. Several things had happened at once over the course of the week. She comes to my home for sessions, so when she arrived she asked how I was doing, and I just broke.

She spent much of that session sitting on the floor beside me, holding my hands.

'We've spent so long preparing for that moment,' I said.

She replied: 'I have to admit, we've spent a long time talking about it, but I didn't think it would actually happen...'

During the various lockdown restrictions here in the UK, we worked virtually. I found that very difficult, and it was complicated further by the fact that I cried nearly every session. I really felt the distance, so it was hard to feel her comfort.

I haven't cried in front of her since we resumed working in person, but I think it will come. When I'm in the middle of significant emotions, I need her to be close by.

I appreciate that she just views it as something that is happening. She sees me in pain, but it's not grotesque to her.