Sigh, so I asked Dr. T about his schedule the next month because he'd said it would be a "bit weird" and I need to make a couple appointments. He said first that he's going to have to meet virtually a couple times the first week of August--"for non-pandemic related reasons" (I get the sense maybe he's having work done on his house or something because he said he has to be at home that string of days.) And then he'll be away (well, or at least not working) the whole following week except for Friday (he said he'd ask R if she could meet with me one day).
Next week is already a bit weird because he's out Friday, though he was able to schedule me for Sun./Tues./Thurs. Plus I'll be away most of a week in late August. Then, he usually takes a 5- or 6-day trip (for a particular event) that's partly over Labor Day weekend, too, though I haven't asked if he's doing that this year. D's next school year starts that week, too.
So the next 6 weeks or so are going to be very inconsistent. I really appreciate that he's trying to still meet with me as much as he can work into his schedule. And I'd certainly prefer meeting with him virtually than him canceling entirely. (And the one week is my doing, not his, plus I'll likely still meet with him once virtually then.) But I do like some sort of consistency in my therapy. So it's hard.
Trigger warning for health concerns, cancer, etc.:
Possible trigger:
Plus, OK, this is probably going to sound ridiculous. But I had this fear that his random days off the past month, combined with his mentioning having had his physical recently, were him getting additional medical tests done because they suspected cancer or some other ailment. I had no intention to mention this to him, because I feel like it would just sound weird (and like I was prying), though I suppose it would have been a good example of the various rabbit holes I can go down in my brain.
But then when he mentioned the virtual sessions/vacation today, I got emotional and admitted to my fears, then felt embarrassed for sharing them. Dr. T: "What exactly is it you thought I might be doing on my week off?" Me: "I don't know, chemo?" (I should have gone with surgery, I suppose.) He confirmed he's not getting chemo (of course that would be more than a week anyway!) and said something suggesting he's healthy as far as he knows. He was actually really good and understanding about it. I suspect he'd have reacted very differently a few years ago.
We went onto other topics for a good chunk of the session, then in the end I circled back around and said how I hated that my mind went to stuff like being concerned about his health, not just with him, but like worrying about D's future, stuff with H, what could happen with the pandemic, etc. That I wish I could just appreciate the here and now more, like appreciate my time with people, say, instead of worrying what could happen to end it. Or appreciate a concert or restaurant without thinking in the back of my mind "Will this be my last chance to do this before a worse Covid wave hits?"
He said it sounds like mindfulness, and I said yes. And we talked about that briefly, and he mentioned a mantra that his friend uses (I forget the exact wording, something with appreciating the now). I asked if maybe she was just the optimistic type, and he said no, that's why she uses the mantra. But that something like that also doesn't work if you feel it's a lie--you have to believe it. It was right at the end of session, so I said it was something I wanted to discuss more, like maybe how to incorporate something like that for myself.
OK, that was much longer than I'd intended! But I think this was an example of taking something going on regarding him and seeing how it connects with patterns in my outside life and what I want/don't want there. Rather than just being about the therapeutic relationship. (Perhaps I should have put this in In Session Today instead, but oh well.)