I think P must be done with me. It's so hard to summarize what's going on in just a few sentences. For starters, I'm really struggling lately. We had a somewhat difficult session yesterday during which I felt the need to leave the room to take a break for a few minutes because I'm feeling some stuff very strongly right now.

We had a conversation within the last two weeks or so about him not following up on things. It came up one session that I had done something that was really risky in light of my recent health issues and that I had done it because it felt risky. He didn't bring it up again after that session and I felt like he didn't care. We had a session where I spilled a bunch of stuff that was bothering me and that I didn't really feel comfortable telling him about including his lack of follow through, some emails he didn't respond to, and the pain that my desire for him to be a real friend and not just my therapist was causing me.

On Monday, at the end of session, he asked me if I was having any suicidal thoughts and I said sometimes, which was kind of downplaying it. I thought after the above conversation he would bring it up again on Wednesday. He didn't. I was already feeling like the people in my life didn't care because of the whole fire anniversary thing. When he didn't ask me about suicidal thoughts, it just felt like does anyone care about me at all. Does it even matter that I have these thoughts right now? Does he just not take it seriously? I know people, including him, do care, but sometimes it just feels lacking. Or maybe I'm just being ridiculously needy right now.

So at the end of Friday's session, I made a comment that I didn't feel very okay lately. He asked if I was going to be okay this weekend. I didn't know how to answer because I didn't want to come off as manipulative or something if I said no. As I was leaving he said to reach out if I needed to. A couple of hours later I sent him an email about how it felt like people didn't care, including him, and telling him that I was feeling hurt because he still didn't follow up with me about feeling suicidal even though we'd just recently had a conversation about that very thing. I realize I should have just told him that in session, but I couldn't. I really thought he would respond to my email. He hasn't.

I feel like he's just done with me right now. I feel like there's nothing I can do. If I email him again expressing my displeasure at his non-response, I'm even more of a pain in the ***. But I also feel like if he doesn't respond to me, I don't want to go back. I hate this.