content warning for mentions of sexual abuse, no details.


want to be honest here...

i have at least one memory of sexual abuse that i know is more than likely real, (even if i have a hard time believing it...), with an unidentified (male) perpetrator. i also have one fuzzy image of what could be my stepfather actually sexually abusing me, but it's so fuzzy and inconclusive. i genuinely don't know if the second one is real.

but on top of that i have a lot of paranoia that i was sexually abused in other ways by other people that i don't remember, in particular by family members.

one of the people i'm extremely paranoid about having sexually abused me is my mother. i don't know why or where it spawned from. i have a few off-color but generally innocuous memories that wouldn't be conclusive of anything. i don't feel like my paranoia is justified, but it's there all the time.

i generally have a lot of paranoia about having been sexually abused by family members in some way, and i have no idea why. i just know that from a young age i've always been scared of older men in particular.

i want to know how i can make sure i'm not making it up or accidentally creating false memories, or how to prevent creating false memories? i feel like my paranoia could create false memories that cloud real ones, when i need to avoid this in order to process my actual trauma later on.

i do not have a therapist and cannot get one to help me.