It hurts all the time. Almost six weeks since my last session with her, five weeks since the email, and it still hurts all the time.

I feel hopeless. I need an ending. I miss her, gut deep yearning for her. She knows me, she said she loves me. She said beautiful and intimate things to me. She was cold in her email, suddenly and without obvious reason. I am confused and shocked.

I dread her contacting me in the future. I don't want the hope that she could be available again, it's too painful. I want this to have not happened and that is impossible.

This pain is deep hooked, shame cored. It feels targeted and punitive. Young me knows this kind of abandonment in her belly and bones. I am struggling to keep pace with everyday life, adult and aware.

I know her coldness and flippancy. I have encountered her unprofessional responses and casual cruelties before, but not like this. I regret accepting the previous ruptures as part of our work together because they weren't ok. They weren't reparative and this rejection isn't ok.

I want her back. More than anything, I want her back. Her hands, her voice, being known by her. I feel heartbroken.