One of the things I am finding difficult about working with someone else is knowing what I want. Overwhelming, I want them to be her and to know me like she did, for us to be as connected as I was with her and her with me. Ridiculous and impossible.

Even if I can move past that, I don't know how to switch to working with someone else so suddenly and without closure. Am I there to process the immediate hurt of the termination or to unpack how to re-enacts my childhood experiences of abandonment and neglect? To do the latter (which feels like the fundamental hurt), I need to open up and expose my vulnerabilities with someone new. I don't want to do that.

It feels such a mess. I don't know how to process and move forward without the ending I should have had with her. And yet I also don't know how to work through this without support.

It feels unnatural and in many ways I feel like I am arriving at someone else's door as a loaded client.