I can relate to you, and I empathize with you. I didn't get any closure from my ex-T. And she's been haunting me since. I send her an unaddressed letter every year on the anniversary. It's been almost 7.5 years. I also relate to feeling like "a loaded client" to my T. And I was. I actually told T I hated her at one point. She even was helping me look for another T. I wound up staying with her though. I think the turning point for me was when I realized I could never trust ex-T again because up until then I fantasized being able to go back to her.

I say she's haunted me, AND over time it has gotten a lot better. I only survived thanks to T and this forum.

What happened, you didn't deserve. You didn't do anything wrong. As L says: your job as a client is to show up and be open and honest. That's it.

And your reactions are normal reactions to an abnormal event. It's traumatic what you are going through. And I'm sorry you are forced to have to go through it.

Hugs