Jul 24, 2022 at 06:55 PM
I had an alcoholic father who passed away 9 years ago. My childhood was essentially miserable other than what I tried to do for myself. My parents had no friends and almost never hosted other families, nor did we go anywhere as a family. I've come to terms with this in recent years and found a wonderful counsellor. I struggle with friendships and never trusted other people fully, or trusted that they truly cared about me. I have worked through this extensively but it never really goes away. I have extreme anxiety about our family and our social interactions (I am married with two teens and a preteen). My husband is a bit introverted and doesn't care about get-togethers really, but enjoys himself when we have them or go to them. He is just happy to be with our family of five. I realize now that I probably married him as that was somewhat familiar to me. He is not an alcoholic in any form and we have a good relationship, but the socializing is in my court. We have a few families we enjoy spending time with, but only a couple are close with us. I find this stressful, because it's Summer and seems like everyone is traveling and visiting with other families and we don't do that as much. It is triggering for me, even though I rationally do see that it is very different from my upbringing. I tend to get lonely and feel unwanted by friends, and then panic that I am setting my kids up for the same isolation I felt. I also tend to get old feelings of panicky loneliness and embarrassment which I felt as a child. I was always lonely and embarrassed, and felt I wasn't good enough to be included. My husband is supportive and tries to set things up, but he truly does not place a lot of value on socializing. My kids are fairly social, one especially, and seem to have healthy friendships which I am grateful for. I have developed new friendships over the years with other women who I really love and respect and it's mutual. But something is still stuck there in my chest and leaves me sad. Would love anyone's thoughts.