It's difficult for me to talk about this, but maybe someone can give me some advice or help to try and find some answers. I don't understand myself, my thoughts and feelings – especially when it comes to one person in particular. This is pretty depressing and frustrating for me... It's a rather long story, but please bear with me and hear me out.

A little BACKSTORY that might help to understand my (35f) actual story a little bit better:

Between the age of ~10 and ~14 I got bullied really badly. I just remember getting teased and hit – I was so scared of everyone. My memories are full of fear, anger, desperation and being hopeless as well as helpless. There were two girls I thought were my friends until they stabbed me in the back and switched sides. Those years were the worst of my life and influenced me in a very negative way. Thinking about it still makes me cry... Until this day I have physical and emotional scars which keep me convinced that these people ruined my life and took important parts of my life away.

When I started attending business school (picked one where I didn't know anyone) it took me quite some time to get used to the fact that I don't have to be afraid every single day anymore. I was doing better for a while. After my graduation I moved to the capital city and started attending university. Everything seemed to be fine on the outside, but it started to get harder and harder on the inside. I got more and more scared of people again, trying to avoid social contacts... Nothing in particular happened, my fears and worries just somehow resurfaced again. It really stressed me out when someone spoke to me first even though it got better when I realised that there was no danger. When I had to approach someone my heart was racing and I was shaking, always expecting to get laughed at, teased or hit. When things got even worse I finally managed to contact a therapist and started therapy. It took about four years, but it really helped a lot. But still, to this day I can't quite believe that people would like me for me, that people are honestly complimenting me and appreciate spending time with me. I'm still really scared of intimacy and have never been in a relationship. It's impossible for me to believe that someone would find me attractive, care about me or even love me. As you might have already guessed, my self esteem is pretty much non-existent (except for when it comes to my responsibilities at work).

In life in general I'm doing quite well – I'm renting a nice apartment, I have a job I really like with colleagues I get along with and like, I can afford travelling, attending e.g. concerts etc. On the surface my life seems to be pretty good and I truly appreciate everything I have. But the truth is, there are times when I'm really exhausted from pretending to be okay and where I'm really worried that I might slip into that deep depression again.

Now, to the ACTUAL STORY ...
I work for a company where I'm feeling appreciated, comfortable and very well liked – or at least I hope I am. I'm pretty good and successful in what I'm doing – my hard work and dedication is paying off. I'm kind of a workaholic – I need work... I have the feeling that this gives my life structure and meaning. Without it I would feel worthless... Even though it's a big company the hierarchy is flat and you have the possibility of meeting and talking to colleagues from various departments including management levels, even the board of directors.

When I started working for this company about 3.5 years ago people very soon warned me about one particular person: the head of another department, let's just call her Anna. She's skinny and not very tall which makes her appear to be kind of fragile in my eyes. They described her as back stabbing, always interfering, controlling etc. and very distant as well as private. It became obvious that there are not that many people who liked her or working with her. I was advised to be careful and avoid her, to rather do stuff behind her back than consult her etc. I didn't really care about what they told me – I want to get to know people by myself and decide for myself if friend or foe. I want to give everybody a chance, I don't want to be like the people I feared so much in school.

I'm leading projects on a regular basis and for one of my very first I also invited Anna – not because I just wanted to include her, but because I was of the opinion that her and her experience were beneficial for my project. When the other people on my team (we all have the same line manager) found out they were stunned and in disbelief. Anna was making suggestions and expressed her ideas – which were all good – but no matter what she said people were rolling their eyes, changing their posture to a defensive one and one colleague even randomly asked her if it's planned that she's gonna be in every meeting from now on. I was really shocked, uncomfortable and felt really bad for Anna. She looked like a deer in the middle of a wolf pack. I saw myself in school being teased and beaten.

I told our line manager about this meeting and even though she said that this of course was not okay she didn't really care, because she doesn't like Anna either - she even told me so. I actually had a fight with my line manager before said project started, because I wanted Anna on my project team. She was behaving like a kid telling me over and over again, that she didn't want her there without giving me a proper reason. At one point I thought she's gonna stomp around like a child throwing a tantrum. Since I had decent reasons and stood my ground she finally gave in telling me that we're gonna treat this as a pilot where we will see if working with her actually works. (Fyi: It worked perfectly and I never really had to fight again.)

This was the moment I decided that me and Anna are going to become friends. I'm gonna be the colleague who backs her up, I'm going to be the colleague who appreciates her and likes working with her. I'm going to be the colleague who's different. For the record: Until this day I don't have a single negative work-experience with her – but still nobody understands why I like working with her. I don't have any problems with her, I don't see what other people see.

True, Anna has kind of a challenging personality – she doesn't really have facial expressions and appears to be rather cold, she doesn't like talking about her personal life and doesn't seem to be interested in the lives of others. E.g. One of my very first small-talk conversations with her went like this. Me: "Did you do something on the weekend?" Her: "Yes." And I'm not even kidding, this was actually it... Even though it sometimes was disappointing and exhausting I decided to keep trying. Babysteps, no pressure – she was going to be my personal project. It took time – two steps forward, one step back – but it got better. I have to admit that before I met her I didn't know how patient, understanding and tolerant I can be.

At first it was just about showing her that she's appreciated and liked by someone, that there's someone who likes working with her. And at some point if I'm completely honest, it was also about the challenge of her getting to like me, about the feeling of being special for once. But as the months went by I honestly started to deeply care about her. I worked really hard for the relationship we have now and I'm proud that I didn't give up along the way. Anna opened up a little bit more and I can tell that she feels comfortable with me – she is actually a really nice person and nothing like the others told me.

Now, after three years of working on that relationship, we have coffee breaks together from time to time – sometimes initiated by me, sometimes by her. We're talking about things we're both interested in (sometimes even personal things), but never about work related stuff. She's still not an open book, but she doesn't have to be – it's her right to share as much or as little as she feels comfortable with. (My line manager once told me with kind of a sneer that I'm probably the only one she's talking to, nobody else wants to anyway – I don't know if this is true or why she felt like giving me this information in the first place.) I promised Anna that I would never tell anyone what we're talking about or what she tells me, respectively. Sometimes people, who see us together, are asking me questions about her ... but I won't break my promise. I'm not gonna risk her trusting me just because people who don't care for / about her are nosy and looking for things to belittle her about.

For several months now I'm not sure about my feelings anymore. Anna seems to be the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last one before I fall asleep – when I'm not really occupied with work or other things she even pops up in between. Pretty much no one can lift my spirits like she does by only spending time with me... or make me feel insecure, sometimes to the point where it's emotionally dragging me down into a black hole. My days just seem kind of brighter with her in them – especially the rough ones. The negative feelings aren't caused by severe things – they are caused by me or her not having time for a coffee break or her cancelling, me being stupidly jealeouse about a person she might or might not be sharing more with etc. silly stuff like that. I always tend to overthink absolutely everything – so when I'm alone with my thoughts it's usually bad.

I'm not sure if I'm actually a good person – sometimes I'm convinced that I'm just not capable of feeling things that I should feel. It's hard for me to be e.g. happy for friends; other people's problems make me feel less down about my own. I think that my positive / supportive reactions are based on what I know I'm supposed to feel... without actually feeling it. It seems to be different with Anna. When she tells me things while smiling, when she's enthusiastic about something... I feel it – it makes me happy that she's sharing things with me. I'm glad for her... At the same time it sort of pleases me when I hear other people saying negative things about her, I don't quite understand why... Maybe because that gives me the chance to be the one again who's different?I'm always trying to be there for people, to support and help them... but I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I care about them or because I think that these people won't like me anymore if I don't. Maybe both... This is also different with Anna – here again, I can feel it... I want to be there for her... but at the same time it's even worse with her. I'm almost terrified to do something (or do not) that will drive her away. That the relationship I worked so hard on suddenly breaks ...

She knows that I appreciate her and the time we spend together – I told her that ... but obviously she can't know and will never know about my inner struggles related to her.

I'm just terribly confused about all this and don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. First thing that came to my mind was, am I maybe bi / gay? Do I have a crush on her? But then... there aren't really sexual fantasies – I tried fantasizing about kissing her, just to check, but it was like, hm, I don't think that's it, but I'm not sure either. Due to my negative experiences in a very imprinting phase in my life I'm under the impression that I never learned how to ... feel love I guess. I don't know what it feels like, how dating works, how getting to know someone intimately works... I just missed so much in my life and that just left me confused... and alone...

My fantasies seem to be more about being her best friend. Being hugged by her and hugging her back. Her sharing time and personal stories of her life with me... and me doing the same with her. When something happens that makes me happy or when I enjoy something, she's the first person I wanna tell about it (sometimes I can only think about telling her, but not doing it). Am I dreaming about a platonic relationship because I'm scared of physical intimacy?
What is all this? Why is she always on my mind? Is this only a so-called girl crush? When I'm spending time with people who I honestly like – why do I wish for her being there with me instead? I am wondering, how things would be if everyone suddenly liked her - would I still be so engaged? Or would that be the end of me being interested?

Can somebody tell me what this is? Guess maybe? Does anyone have similar experiences and can tell me what's going on? Any advice? What's on your minds?