Hi @CANDC,

thank you for the warm welcome and your message.

I'm not sure if I'm really treating her better. I honestly like my other colleagues very much. I enjoy spending time with them - they can rely on me, and I can rely on them. They are the main reason why I don't like home office - I wanna be with them. They are easy-going... Anna does require way more effort. Sometimes it's exhausting, I must admit. To me she seems to be worth the fight even though I know that she will never feel as strongly about me as I do about her. The relationship I'm having with her now is probably as good as it gets. Even though I wished for more, I think this is as far as she's allowing herself to develope something like a friendship at work ... and I'm proud of her that she managed to open up this far. But yeah, bottom line is, she's my weakness - I have a soft spot for her like I have for no other.

There is no way for me to know for sure, but I don't think that she has any special secrets. I'm just guessing here, but I'm under the impression that she got severely disappointed and / or hurt by people she trusted - probably at work. Not in this company, but before... and the way she's treated in this company now proves to her that keeping her distance is the right choice. I'm pretty sure that she has certain insecurities - maybe she was even bullied at one point in her life. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m so drawn to her – I just can relate and understand.

I'm not bragging or talking about the conversations we have, so most of the others probably don't even know. Unless directly asked I'm not getting involved in discussions about her and if someone's complaining about her to me, I'm trying my best to stay neutral. The colleagues I work with directly do know that I like her, that's not a secret, but they're not bothered by that - some can't understand why, some don’t care. I'm not worried about me. It's kind of funny, but one person on Anna's team and someone working with upper management both asked me for advice once about how to approve the work relationship. I told them what I would do and how I would interpret certain reactions - one happily told me that it worked (at least for that one task), but unfortunately the other one decided not to try after all.
Although I do know that my line manager is anything but happy, there's nothing she can do - with whom I spend time with is my personal business, the cooperation with Annas department is running smoothly when I'm involved, and I am doing one hell of a good job. My line manager should be happy and stop screaming on the inside. Even though we have very different opinions when it comes to Anna, me and her are very fond of each other and are happy to be on the same team. Sometimes when it comes to my line manager, I can't shake the feeling that there's some envy involved - she's kind of nosy and I think it's hard for her that someone might know more than her.

I had a rough evening yesterday... my thoughts were dragging me down again and I couldn't stop them. Didn't sleep very well either... and now I'm kind of angry at myself, because I feel stupid. During our last coffee break Anna told me about a holiday she's planning with her boyfriend. I didn't make the connection first, but she has a birthday coming up... and now I kind of really wish I could trade places with that guy. It's silly, I know, and I'm only dragging myself down - I always do... I'm just confused and still don't know what all of this means or what this is I'm feeling.

Kind regards,
Vivaldi