Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive.
Hm, I am not sure if it is a crush as there seems to be too much focus or overly identifying yourself with Anna. It seems to me more like some sort of projection where you are overly identifying with this person. Your past and Anna's present are uncannily similar (being bullied, ostracized, being the outcast, nobody standing up for either of you etc.)
It is like you are trying to rescue Anna as you wished to have been rescued yourself once. You were not rescued, so you are trying to be Anna's 'hero' in a subconscious way to 'fix' the wound in you that remains unhealed (as exemplified by your fear of not being deserving of love and so on).
PS: Being another person's hero will never heal one's own wound
This is what struck me. You ought to be your own personal project & focusing (obsessing?) in being another person's saviour suggests there is more going on under the surface that is about *you* than about her (or any feelings you think you may have towards her).
I would explore this more in therapy.
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Rive. thank you for your message. What you're saying is 100% true. When I started working for this company and saw how people are behaving towards Anna, I decided that I must be her friend. Everybody back in school just watched and enjoyed seeing me suffer and even more so being the cause of my suffering. Nobody helped or at least did something to make my existence a little less miserable. The more they broke and humiliated me the more fun they had.
My therapist once recommended to go to a class reunion of the school I attended when I was between the age of 6 and 10. There were only some of the people who would later (age 10 to 14) torture me... she thought it would be good for me to see that these aren't the same people anymore. Well, that backfired... Someone somehow mentioned that I was "teased a little" and they all agreed that if it hadn't been me, it just would have been someone else. That was a major setback for me - they ruined my life, and they don't even care... they don't even see it... it's just oh well, bad luck, huh?
My therapist helped me a lot, but she never managed to make see how I can get closure – she tried her best, but I just seem to be incapable of moving on. There is just so much hatred and resentment for these monsters and for what they did to me… They probably live happy lives with spouses and children who have no clue that their husbands, wives, moms and dads once bullied a girl to the point where she thought about killing herself. Just so all the fear, the suffering and the pain would go away. They have lives they don’t deserve while I never got the life I do deserve – that doesn’t seem to be fair.
I don't know if I have the strength to go back to therapy again... I’ve somehow given up on me being my project – I tried… I really tried… and now I have the feeling that it’s too late, that I already missed everything anyway. So I guess I made Anna my project to at least be able to do something for someone if not for myself. I guess it started with pity (and probably also the challenge of being liked by her) – pity became honestly caring and honestly caring lead to some sort of friendship. It’s kind of a win…