T yesterday. We'd met Sunday (weird schedule this week), but he'd had to switch to virtual at the last minute (not Covid-related), which upset me, so a good part of Sunday's session was spent on that. I felt rather unsettled after that session, so I asked if we could meet Monday instead of Tuesday.

I said I hated how I reacted so strongly to things like last-minute changes to virtual. That I wanted to just be fine with it. But because it does affect me, then we have to spend time talking about that, so it's time I can't spend talking about other stuff. And I feel like things keep happening.

Me (through tears): "It just feels like any time I start to feel safe or secure with you, something happens." Dr. T: "Switching to virtual makes you feel less secure?" Me: "Yes. I'm not sure why. I think because when it's a last-minute change, it's hard to trust that it won't keep happening. Because back pre-pandemic, that would have been a cancellation. But you never cancelled. So now that it's happened a couple times, plus your having to work from home a couple days next week, without saying why for any of them. I mean, I know, you have the right to privacy and all that. But...it just worries me, of course in part because of ex-MC."

Dr. T: "If there was anything going on that I thought could affect our work together, more than one session, even if it was like a 10% chance, I would tell you. I may not give you any specifics, but I would let you know it was going on." Me: "OK, that helps to know." Dr. T: "Did ex-MC not do that?" Me: "No, he just kept canceling." Dr. T: "He should have said something." (This was before I knew what was going on with his sick wife, obviously.)

He said, "It feels like the only way I could make this better for you is to not ever go on vacation or take a day off." Me: "But I understand you deserve to go on vacation." Dr. T: "I know--you make it very clear whenever you mention it. And I believe you. But I can tell you wished I wouldn't go. It's like you're speaking from your head, but your heart feels something else." Me: "Yes. This will sound cliched, but it feels like I'm a little kid clinging to her mother's leg at daycare drop-off." Dr. T: "That's exactly the sense I get. But I mean I don't know how to help you with it other than to not go." Me: "But I also know you need breaks to be a better therapist."

Dr. T: "You're right. I went for months without a vacation. And I don't think I've told you this before. But I do feel that I haven't been as good of a therapist." (I was unsure what to say to that, as I actually felt like he'd been a better T to me since the pandemic.)

He also said that it has felt like I've been pushing him more lately. Me: "What do you mean? Can you tell me how you were experiencing that? I honestly want to understand." He mentioned about my pushing more for in person, being bothered by virtual, etc., but didn't really give specific examples.

I said how it felt like things had gone generally smoothly while we were only virtual, just a couple minor conflicts. But that we've had considerably more conflicts/ruptures since we've been back in person. To the point that I wondered if maybe I should just switch back to virtual. Dr. T: "You mean like just do virtual for the next 6 weeks, with the weird schedule?" Me (crying): "Yeah...but no, I don't really want that."

I said how it felt like all the conflicts had something to do with in-person vs. virtual. I mentioned the texting thing in that (where I sent brief texts before session to confirm in-person, and he was originally fine with it, then told me it had become irritating).

We talked about that more. He said how he found it very difficult to reassure me then. It seemed like everything he tried didn't help me feel better, and he wasn't sure what else to say to let me know that it wasn't a big deal to him at all. I said, "Maybe I just needed you to say, 'everything is OK'--wait, I think you did say that, and I guess it didn't help."

I said how when my brain goes in a certain direction, it's difficult to turn it off. Dr. T: "Are you aware of when that's happening?" Me: "Yes, but I'm still not sure how to stop it." Dr. T: "So it's difficult for things to penetrate at that time, like to get beyond the intellectual and into the heart?" Me: "Yes, exactly."

Me (crying): "I wish I could just be OK with this, with your going on vacation or switching to virtual or whatever. I wish I could just trust that I'll be OK, that I'll get through it, that things will be OK here." Dr. T: "I think that's basically the definition of secure attachment." Me: "That's part of what's so hard for me--I'll start to think I'm securely attached, then some small thing happens, and I'll realize I'm not."

He said for now, maybe it's partly about just accepting that the next 6 weeks or so would be difficult for me. That I'll struggle with it.

He also said something that's sticking with me: To try to think of the relationship like climate as opposed to weather. How there might be a storm in there, but the overall climate stays the same.

I said I felt good about our conversation and asked if he felt OK about it, too. He said he did, adding that he wondered if this could have a therapy grenade effect (where it feels fine in the moment but is upsetting later when I think about it). That I was welcome to email if it did (I haven't, though I typed up a few thoughts in Drafts).

The thing that stuck out to me is he seemed to be trying very hard to understand, both what I was feeling and how to help me. And he wasn't at all defensive. It felt like we were both very open and honest with each other.