Sounds like you're going a little crazy. The paranoia, the weird thoughts, and your writing style is kind of off, too.

I would suggest you take a little break and find something that makes you feel calm inside. Writing a letter, drawing, drinking tea by a fountain, whatever. If you feel thoughts of paranoia starting to engulf you, just remember that you're going through a tough time and your mind has gotten a little too eager in trying to protect you from things that aren't necessarily dangerous. Thank your thoughts, and let them go. Give it a break. It'll be there later if you want it, so don't worry about letting your guard down.

You might want to see a professional about the symptoms, but you definitely need to sort out some of the other ***** in your life. The traumas you've gone through (losing loved ones and being cheated on) should be addressed. You don't necessarily have any problems stemming from those events, but you could, and it doesn't hurt to take a look and see if you're still harboring some pain or guilt about what happened. If you do, you have to find a way to make peace with it and move on. It takes practice, but it's possible.