I am so sorry. I had an experience with a previous therapist with some similarities I think, emotional intimacy and lots of ruptures, loose boundaries and ongoing conversations about whether we should continue, but I was still hit by a ton of bricks when she announced one day that we had to stop right then and there. I did later email her asking for an ending session and we ended up having a few more sessions, I think it was better to have those than not and we managed some useful conversation, although inevitably they still turned into more push and pull and distress too.

I experienced awful awful grief, was just paralysed and ended up taking time off work etc. Tried a few new therapists and stayed with one. I chose someone who seemed very boundaried - in contrast - and that has been helpful for me, I feel so much safer than I did with the previous, even if I sometimes miss the looser boundaries of before. The pain eased gradually but it took me a good two years to process that relationship with a new therapist, alongside other things. I still fantasised about contacting her again/going back to her for a long time.

I think new therapist was careful not to say too much about my previous therapist at first, understanding that I'd been very attached to her and would get defensive, and as someone else said, she immediately understood it as a reenactment of childhood pain. I feel very lucky to have found her, I just hope you may find someone who helps you but I know it can feel so hard to find the right therapist and I remember how uncertain I felt about what I was looking for at the time.

I think I'm glad now about what happened, because I don't think I could have ended that therapy myself, I was too caught up in the dynamics and I see now how damaging the relationship had always been, even if some parts were good. The ending was so very painful though. I'm thinking of you.