I'm just remembering. Bittersweet times.

So, I was a theater kid in high school. I absolutely loved it and was involved in productions throughout my high school career. The teacher who introduced me to it was a kindly old woman who had the resources as well as the know how to pull off a musical, which is where I got a chance to get my feet wet. Well, more like thrown in the deep end! I was the voice of Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors." People enjoyed it! They asked me for impressions into my senior year!

Well, the theater teacher of my freshman year retired and was replaced by a duo for my final three years. The one with the power, who I'll call J, thought she was all that and a bag of chips because she influenced a relative (I'm being vague because this relative is Googleable) to get into acting and his star was shining bright at this point in time. J thought this made her the second coming of Stanley Kubrick and treated her high school theater troupe as the set of The Shining with certain individuals (not necessarily me) playing poor Shelly Duvall. I got cast in several of her plays. (Important for the upcoming paragraph.)

Senior year. Spring semester. Final play. I naturally wanted to go out with a bang, so I auditioned for the lead. I do my bit. J sings my praises. Feels good. I go for part two and immediate 180. I get gaslit for the entire audition process, with her telling me I'm never as good as the last read with opinion ever trending downward. I'm not the only one this happened to. She screwed up the audition process so badly, people who loved theater as much a I did quit her class in disgust.

I ended up having a heart to heart with J saying to me "You have never played a believable character in the entire time I've worked with you." For anyone halfway interested in theater, that's a gut punch. You've always sucked. I still cast you in my plays, but you sucked. Everyone has imposter syndrome, but you, there's no syndrome. You're the odd man out.

It's been almost fifteen years. I haven't acted since that play. I know how full of crap J was on an intellectual level, but on an emotional one... four years of involvement dismissed without thought or hesitation is hard to detach from.

I thought about this during my interview with the specialty warehouse people. The topic of my health came up and I felt compelled to qualify repeatedly that it was managed. My health won't be a distraction. I want a challenging job. Something that will keep me engaged and involved and not just checking groceries. Considering my last job threw me out after coming back from medical leave, is it any wonder I'm feeling that same imposter syndrome line?

It's just this confident dismissal of who you are. A lot of insults can roll off of my back, but some combination of irredeemably bad and incompetent and useless stings. A lot.

I don't know.