I can TOTALLY relate to what you write about although my situation is not identical to yours. Things like this have happened to me and even this morning! It does sting and it can leave a stain on one's memory too.

Something that helps me [although it may not help you] is the idea of projection. This is the idea, you probably already know, that when people feel bad about something in themselves or hate something about themselves, they try to get relief from the pain by projecting it onto someone else, by saying something mean or hateful to someone else.

I wonder if what the person you call "J" said to you reveals more about him or her than you. I wonder if "J" deep down thinks about herself or himself in the negative way she spoke to you. And I really suspect that "J" feels like an imposter deep down.

Today someone said something quite mean to me. After the initial shock and emotional after effects I realized: "This person is talking about himself not me.

So do you think that maybe that is something similar to what happened to you or am I completely off base? Perhaps I am overly reading my experiences into yours. In any case, I hope many people see your post today and respond with something helpful!