I wish I knew how to help but sadly I am not competent in such matters.

It sounds to me as a total outsider reading your post that she wants to be in control of the whole process and knows how to get her way. I really hope I am wrong about this and I probably am wrong, to be quite honest with you.

The impressions of a total outsider hearing about a relationship from one member of that relationship can't be worth much. A licensed psychotherapist would be your best option for true objectivity because at least such a person could meet with you many times, hear more and more information about the situation and have professional insight and experience.

A marriage counselor might be helpful even during the stage of the relationship you describe although I don't know whether that is workable in the circumstances.

In any case, I am profoundly sorry for what is happening to you. It is heartbreaking. I can't even really imagine how heavy is the burden you bear or how brutal it is to suffer what you are suffering. So please forgive my almost certainly bad advice. It is so hard to give advice even in the easiest of situations. The situation you are in is very deep, complex and long-standing.

Hopefully others here with more knowledge, understanding, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post soon and respond to it with something truly helpful to you. I am currently suffering a depression which tends to warp my perspective so I wouldn't give any weight to my words. I do want to tell you that my heart goes out to you since I have been in a somewhat similar, somewhat different situation!