I am so sorry you are in the situation you described.

I have heard of situations where both partners agreeing to see a marriage counselor has resulted in salvaging a troubled relationship, situations where one partner seeks to end the relationship and the other does not want it to end.

But I have also heard of cases where one partner refuses this option because they are so set on dissolving the relationship.

In situations like the one you described, it can be easy to become excessively hard on oneself over past mistakes.

Human behavior is complex. And what we do is not something that can be fairly described as like choosing to turn a switch on or off.

We are often blocked from "fully" exercising our free will, blocked by things like habits acquired when we were young, by strong emotions, by fear, by wanting to do the right thing but being temporarily unable to find the strength to do it.

We are often blocked by unconscious things that move us. All of these things can diminish the full exercise of our free will and therefore also diminish our responsibility. We are not beings who are infinitely free. So freedom isn't just yes or no, it is also a matter of how much freedom.

Sometimes our knowledge lacks a key insight that would help us but doesn't come to us at the very time we need it.

Sometimes it helps to think of our free will as something like an underground spring of water that is trying to reach the surface. It tries to reach the surface but is sometimes blocked by large rocks that stand in its path.

I guess all of this might sound very abstract to you, but it is one reason why it is not really good to beat oneself up over things that happened in the past.

This also applies to people who feel wronged by us. Sometimes a deep part of them really wants to forgive, forget and keep a relationship going but that part gets blocked by other things, fears, despair and such.

Please do not think that I am denying that human beings are free and responsible. I'm only saying that sometimes people are prevented from the "full" expression of their free will.

People are often too quick to judge and say things like: "this person did this thing because they are bad." Human responsibility is more complex than that. No human being can judge the being of another unless they had infinite knowledge. We can see the mistakes we and others make but we cannot pass judgement on the whole person because a person is something very deep and complex and a mixture of all kind of things.

I hope your partner will give you another chance. Sadly I am not a psychologist or medical professional so I am unqualified to give advice, really practical advice like "do this and everything will turn out alright." I simply don't have the knowledge, experience or insight for that kind of advice giving.

I have been in situations similar to yours although I am not in your shoes. Sometimes my partner and I have found ways to salvaging our relationship and sometimes not.

I don't even know if the marriage counselor idea is a good one. Apologies for my ignorance. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering this crushingly heavy burden that overwhelms you with anxiety and distress. Wish I knew how to help.

Please lean on us here in the Forums for moral support during your struggle. We are all strugglers here and we try to offer compassion and understanding, encouragement and comfort to our fellow strugglers.

In closing I would like to say that I hope many people will see your post today and that perhaps one will have more helpful words for you than my poor words! It is just awful what you are going through and my heart goes out to you! Sincerely yours, Yao Wen