I just came home from the hospital. Doctors tell me I need two major surgeries.

My love and companion of many years died 2 years ago. I have no one else here where I live. I'm up in years and retired.

I learned to deal with losing my love. I was doing okay. But I can't face this disabling health stuff on my own.

Nearest family are 2000 miles away.

I have no pain at all. If I decline the surgical treatments, I might just fade away from this life. (I'm a slow GI bleeder. Blood transfusions are sustaining me.) I look fine. I can move around ok.

I don't want all this medical-hospital-surgical stuff. Needles. I/Vs. Getting cut up. Being stuck in hospital beds. Feeling all kinds of pain. Things can go wrong in and after surgery. Infections.

I think - I could just do nothing . . . and let nature take its course. I know that plan could have pitfalls.

Then, again, maybe I would just heal up. Sometimes problems just stabilize.

Other people get motivated by their love of being alive and by their love of others in their life. I don't love being alive. I don't really belong anywhere or to anyone.

I'm depressed. I don't want any more medical/surgical things done to me.