Quote:
Originally Posted by Discombobulated
I think you’ve got some very insightful replies Vivaldi, and I don’t have anything original to add but I did want to add my observation that it’s not uncommon to project in situations like these.
I have a need in me to protect, I’m seen by others as nurturing, but sometimes it actually causes me real upset if I hear others are being treated badly. I do think my own experience of bullying had a part to play in this.
For me it’s about boundaries, that’s being aware, that I might have this need to be needed, to protect, to fix, and where is that coming from.
If you can isolate that projection, be aware of it, acknowledging it, but not allowing it to go unchecked then you can utilise the insight into others suffering and be empathetic and caring- it can be a positive thing. I think you did a brave and compassionate thing allowing this woman to be part of the work project despite others objections.
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Discombobulated Thank you for your kind message.
This kind of sounds familiar… I think people do see me as nurturing and empathetic too and yes, I definitely need to be needed… I need to be liked and I’m terrified that someone could change his or her positive opinion about me. What’s bothering me is that I’m not sure if I’m trying to be there for people for their sakes or only for my own. I’m afraid it’s more of the latter… Don’t get me wrong, I like my colleagues and of course my friends, but quite often if they’re having problems, it makes me feel better about myself and my own issues. This is wrong, I know that, but I also can’t help it. It’s as if it’s difficult for me to have positive feelings, you know what I mean? Negative feelings, sure, have them all the time, but to experience real positive feelings… honest feelings for myself and others, that’s sort of rare…
Regarding the need to protect… this is a need I strongly have only when it comes to Anna. I can’t remember feeling like this before, but maybe it’s because I can kind of see myself in Anna and don’t want her to experience what I did. Someone in this thread wrote that maybe this is because I want to do for her what I wished someone had done for me back then… Sounds legit…
She is more important to me than she will / can ever know… and I’m surprised myself that I will immediately defend her without thinking about possible consequences. (There haven’t been any, and I’m trying to not get involved if I can avoid it. After all, she’s a big girl.)
I’m constantly afraid of losing her trust again or of doing something that will make her turn away from me. I’m stressing myself out by overthinking absolutely everything… it’s not her fault, she isn’t doing anything wrong… this is totally on me. I still don’t quite understand why this is – maybe because I’ve been working so hard on this relationship for such a long time.