Thank you everyone for checking back in with me. I don't know how I am doing really. I haven't yet found anyone I am happy to work with, although I am trying sessions with the therapist she referred me to. I don't feel any connection with her, she irritates me, she's not C, she wears stupid glasses, but she seems relatively professional and we have looked at a few useful things. Today, I was supposed to meet with the grief specialist I had contacted, but she didn't send me the Zoom link so, yeah ...

At the moment, I am aware of being in a very ambiguous place. She's not dead, but I feel bereaved. The work has ended without an ending. We are out of contact but there is the spectre of potential contact in the future. I am trying to process what's happened, but I feel out of step with what has happened. Of course, ambiguity was a big part of the relationship all along so it makes sense that it is present now, as dreadful as it feels.

I keep saying thank you, but thank you to all of you. This makes a difference for me.