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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo
Thank you for posting this, I found it really moving. Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I am sorry you were hurt in this way. It's brutal.
I think I can begin to see some relief or benefit to the relationship having ended. As you say, I would not have been able to end it myself but now that I am distanced from it, I feel released from it. I always knew that how she worked with me was borderline unprofessional, and at times outright unethical, but there was also something enthralling about that. My young parts loved her loving me (or at least her messed up version of that) because they are so starved of love.
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I understand your feeling of being "released" from it. I felt that in a way after leaving ex-MC. That was different, in that we weren't forced to leave, but with the last rupture with him, after trying for a few months to repair (or just go on as before), it just seemed like the relationship had broken down. Like I couldn't get the same feeling from looking at him that I once could or the same sort of comfort.
I also think I would have had a lot of trouble leaving the relationship had the rupture not happened. And it caused a fair amount of distress at times due to the limitations of it. I felt trapped in a way.
Granted, I shifted some of that onto my current T, but it's still different. I'm not crying driving home from his office like I often did from ex-MC's because the hour of feeling connected and accepted and understood for the week was over, and I was back out in the real world. (I do cry sometimes at being back in the real world now, but it's different.)
I know your relationship with your T was very complex, with a considerable amount of conflict, but also a high level of attachment. And it can be very hard to break those bonds on one's own.