Here's part of the story of the demise of my first marriage. I loved him and didn't even consider a life with someone else, despite ups, downs, and normal challenges. He was my best friend. I could always be myself around him and he got me. I was always proud to talk about who I was married to. But long business trips, him meeting other people (bad male influences, IMHO) and other women boosted his ego. He was/is very attractive - think Hayden Christensen type. I liked him from the very second I set eyes on him at an Irish Pub. He started doing things out of character, such as buying cars he would never buy. For example, he said he would never buy a Ford nor be seen driving a white car. Guess what? I think the "other woman" liked white Fords because that is the car that he bought without telling me. He went as far as getting ready to propose to her and move her into the house that was in my name (joint, of course, by it was my house too!). He was older than me, and while I wanted a family, he clearly stated that he did not want children in the house when he was in his 50s. Guess what? I periodically look for him online and he remarried and, alas! Has a family. I gather he did not want a family with me.

What I find most interesting about my current situation is that I do not feel about my second husband like I did about my first one. This man wanted a wife but does not want to be a husband. He has tried to manipulate me - but cannot win. He has attempted to break me down - but I gather either he is not that good at it or I am made of steel. This man has insulted me, threatened me, and since last November when we had (yet) another fight, he reached for my throat. That is when I kicked him to the basement. The master suite is mine. While I do not necessarily look forward to a divorce, I do not feel sad, depressed, like I did in the first one.

I was separated from my first husband for 4 years before I finally filed. I tried so hard to make it work. I have no regrets, looking back, that I didn't do my best. At least, I can live with that.

The man I am married to currently has no idea what a healthy (emotional) marriage looks like. To summarize, this man has engaged in gaslighting me, tried to belittle me, has some narcissistic tendencies, and had the nerve to tell me that he would divorce me if I did not believe in God. He considers himself a righteous Christian but because I do not share the same beliefs (and I have never tried to change him), he constantly brings it up as if I am not good enough. Well... he also lacks in other departments but I wouldn't think of giving him the cold shoulder. I feel like he is on a crusade to recruit Christians and am an opportunity to increase the numbers.

My first husband never insulted me nor raised his voice at me. There are countless of such instances with my second husband.

I don't want to be alone but I also want to live in a clean house...

I thought I'd be married by 25, have 2 kids by 30. I am in my 40s and no children. I don't even know if I may meet someone else or I will live alone the rest of my life. So not what I planned or worked for.