Everything you listed is so powerful and painful and terribly familiar to me, as well.

I went through a 12-year stretch of losing beloved, close relatives, including my brother and my father, right in close succession. It was devastating. And the hits just kept coming; year after year, another dear relative that I adored, was gone. The list also included my beautiful girl kitty, who was a huge emotional support for me, and who I miss, to this day. I understand how you're feeling, very well.

I used to be able to modulate my tears and public displays of sorrow. But now, I am a free-range crier. I will start to well-up hearing an evocative piece of music. I cry watching the evening news, or even happy scenes, like children playing. So I can usually be seen reaching for a kleenex for the smallest reason. And yes, this last year (few years?) has (have) been atrociously stress-filled and ghastly, at times. Very worrisome, very upsetting. You are completely entitled to take as long as you need to process all of this, in your own time.

I have learned two very important things over time: Grief is incredibly powerful, but necessary, I think. It seems any loss of a close friend/ loved one can bring back the pain (and other attendant feelings) of all the other losses, almost as fresh as when you first felt them. It's rather cruel that it happens that way, as one loss at a time is painful enough. But I've heard it said that this is true, and I've found it to be so. Our brains do stash away an awful lot of memories and feelings. When the floodgates open, WOW!, look out!

I also can also confirm that grief and depression share many of the same nerve centers in the brain. Their actions on us are very similar. Using this truth, I have had some success helping people understand what depression feels like by pointing out that, for a short time at least, it feels an awful lot like the most powerful grief you've ever felt. So, you're right to have wondered where you were really at, in a psychological sense. Knowing the difference will help you move forward.

Somehow, it appears to be a necessary thing, to help us process our loss, and to begin the process of carrying on with our journey.

Wishing you peace, and resolution, for your good heart.