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I spent hours this week-end writing something I wanted to read in therapy. It is very important to me. I don't have a printer, so I sent what I'd written to my therapist, to her email, and asked her to print it out for me.
I got to the session today, asked her if she'd printed out the email. Oh, she said, she hadn't had a chance to look at her emails yet. In addition, she had to cut our session short because she had a dental appointment. The receptionist really shouldn't have scheduled me for today.
So she goes digging through her fu**ing email, can't find mine, can't find it here, can't find it there - am I sure I sent it? Uh, YEAH. I'm sure I sent it. She was extremely nervous and kept saying to herself, "Breathe, breathe."
So I stood up and said, You know, it seems like this isn't a good time for a session, so I'll see you Thursday. Oh, but, we can do the yearly assessment that's overdue. Okay, what the eff ever. So she asked me all these stupid questions, marked my answers on her computer. Then she said, Oh! I wonder if your email could have landed in my junk mail..."OH, yes! Look at that - here it is!" And she printed it out and handed it to me.
Wow, thanks.
So I can read it to her on Thursday, but I really needed to read it today. Now I feel like just cancelling for Thursday. How many times can that woman let me down?
I was so angry. I'm already raging inside, now I'm so angry I'm completely drained. After I left the session I drove to the blood lab, parked, went in. Oh, the blood lab here has closed, it's now way out blah, blah, blah. So I'll have to drive way out there tomorrow, I don't have enough gas in my car. I'm hoping that David has some cash on himself so I can put $10 into my car, which is just over a gallon.
When I left the parking lot of the medical building, as I was waiting to exit, a big white SUV was coming my way from the left. I suddenly knew I was going to step on the gas and let that big SUV plow into me. I HAD to do it. Then I thought of our group here, and how awful it would be if whatever-whatever happened, so I kept the sole of my foot glued to the brake until the big SUV passed. I drove home literally screaming and got home entirely exhausted.
Then I turned on the computer and see that Olivia Newton John has died. I cried. I cried. She was so much a part of my growing-up years, such a gifted and sweet-natured woman. I used to do my hair like hers was at the end of Grease, all big and fluffy.
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Okay, I just called med dude clinic and they said they can get me in to see him at 5:30, so about an hour from now. Thank God. I'm hoping he'll increase the lithium instead of waiting. Because I have no ability to wait, it's far too dangerous. The drive over to that clinic is really short. Maybe one day I'll roller skate over there.
Okay, I'll stop typing now. I'm just soooooo ANGRY.
Love to each of you, except we'll see about Jane being back.
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