I...am not happy today. I'm filled with doubt. We have a good and healthy relationship. But at least once a weekend, he will say something jokingly that hurts my feelings. Last weekend, I was pissed. I waited till the next day to tell him because I was blindsided when he said it, but I also didn't want to be a buzzkill. I also am sick of bringing this **** up to him. It's exhausting and I feel like the bad guy even though he is super nice about and receptive and apologizes. This time, I expressed my anger. Like I said the F word. It was pretty quick. But I felt so badly afterwards. I apologized. I cried. I was worried he was going to break up with me (he was nowhere near that point, he loves me and wants to make it work). That night, he told me I was right to be mad (he said I "Call him out"). It was the first time that day I was like "hey, I had a right to be mad and my feelings were valid as ****."


I am grateful that he can admit that I am right. And that he's not getting mad at me for feeling the way I feel. He doesn't get defensive.


The thing is, he isn't going to stop. He wants to and is trying. But he said it's going to keep happening for a little while, a few more times. Which he said because he doesn't know what triggers me. I need to talk to him tonight. I am sick of having this **** happen. I think a relationship can be healthy as ****. But if this **** keeps happening, maybe I'm out.


I say that, but I'm super scared to break up. I am very very afraid of going through a break up. I also really like him. Usually.


I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to be sad during the week because someone who is my boyfriend says ****** things to me on the weekends. I also feel shy and nervous around him sometimes. I'm sick as **** of that.


How do you know whether to break up with someone? I think first we need to talk. Sometimes I feel so close to him. Last night I'd told him I'd move locations for him and I meant it. I think I need more to do, too. To distract me from the ****** feelings.


Ugh. I'm so pissed and unhappy right now.