I had a horrible experience last night (ok about to stick in some humour at this point, but won't because I do find it scary this time around), I no I have mood swings and can go from feeling all sedate to all over the place in 0.1sec...things have got better during my yrs in therapy, but one area that I find confusing is with my dog. Growing up I watched my mother lavish love and compassion on our dogs and have to listen to her a lament what a wonderful dog owner she was that I automatically thought that I must love dogs too. I've always had a dog and the dog I have at the moment always follows me around as I'm the "mum" of the house. The thing is when I come in from being out and she just wants to greet me I just can't bear her near me, I want her gone, this anger swells up in me and I feel myself turning into my mother, not the loving compassionate dog owner mother, but the mother who neglected me...I get this "want" to kill the dog, I mean I wonder how I contain the anger that grows when I feel in this "mood",..but believe me when I say when this passes the last thing I wish to do is harm my dog AND I HAVE NEVER HARMED HER, I seem to swing from loving her to hating her and find it difficult to find anything between these 2 states.

Well last night for the 2nd time in a week, I found she had pee'ed on my bed and I just wanted to kill her, I make angry faces at her and she cowers and I at that moment seem to have no way off stopping myself from wanting to see her afraid, I get stuck and I become some monster..

Last night this was the worse its ever felt for me and then I started wanting to pour petrol on my arm and set light to myself, I wanted to shoot my family and shoot passers-by and felt a sense of release that I could kill everyone and no longer have to hide this monster witin me...basically I took the side of the monster within me and wanted to destroy the world, wanted to destroy all the goodness in the world..

I started to get really scared at this point because I was loosing touch with any other part of me, I was turning into the monster only and felt anything else about me was a lie, that I am infact a monster...I then tried to give a name to thise "state" in my last attempt of trying to gain some sanity back..but this "state" seemed to rule me, I felt powerless and crushed under it, I couldnt put it back in a cave or anywhere, it was out and in control.

I rolled about in my bed in deep emotional pain and wondered how I could ever live with myself being this monster, then finally I managed to say "ok this is my illness" with that it was like a magic key, the "monster" seemed to recoll, I'd found its achilles heel.. I kept repeating that sentence until I felt "myself" coming back to normal..

This was a really scary feeling, and I am today trying to tread softly incase I should awaken the monster within..

I'm not sure if this belongs in this forum or where, but it strike me that if we do have "parts" then doesnt it make sense that some of those parts could be "evil"?? and why does this part hate my dog when growing up its the only time I saw my mother be compassionate about anything, even if did appear to be psuedo compassion..the memory of last night hurts still and believe me when I say, I dont want to hate my dog but I feel so triggered by her needing me..