This has been a productive week for me. I signed up for an at-home transcriptionist position online and also filed for disability in the same week (lol, sounds counter productive, but i'll explain). The transcription job is freelance work and I accept as much or as little as wanted -- it seems to be a very nice side hustle, problem is I have to wait 4-12 weeks to see if I am selected to work with the company. I've failed to maintain income or a job for awhile and this is my last attempt to try to re-enter the work world. If it works out, I can ensure I make under what I need to keep disability, or if it doesn't -- no harm no foul. Disability will take some time to process, but hopefully it works out in my favor. I have been told countless times I'll probably be denied but to appeal. I'll just worry about that when I come to it. It is very unsettling to think about how I am unable to sustain myself. If my living situation changed (i.e. my mom were to die) I'd be unable to do anything. I need to feel some security in my own capability to provide for me. I'm not giving up, and disability is not a "throw in the towel" move, but it's still my plan B.


I have felt good this week. My mood has been a bit unstable these days but I am enjoying the positives. I also want to mention therapy can always offer you something. My therapist made two comments to me in my last session that really stuck out to me. I spent 2 weeks kinda evading looking at my life or doing anything productive and played videogames as a distraction. In her nuanced professional and magical way, she made me realize A) I always feel better when I utilize my skills I've learned in therapy and B) I can restart my day at any time. The first is just a the fact that when I stick to using them, I do find them helpful, and sometimes I veer off track and forget, but going back to them is always a solid option. The latter statement I really kinda liked. She expressed the idea is that we don't have to wait for anything to happen to start a change we need. In my case-- let's say my whole day was a waste and I didn't do anything. Sometimes that's the best we can do and it's best to acknowledge and accept that that is what the day is, but if I feel I could do something different, I don't have to wait for a new day to make some change. My week was productive this week because I took both of those things and applied them. I always feel awful going into therapy and want to quit, but I never leave therapy without feeling I've learned something or have a new tool to utilize. I know I need it.

I still feel a bit uncomfortable here, but I'm trying to get over my issues. I enjoy the interaction with you guys.

In other news, there isn't much. I'm teaching my sister to drive and it's going well. I just hope she passes her test. Her husband is going to be upset but he'll just have to get over it. Not getting into her situation too much, he's the jealous type and doesn't want her to have independence, while at the same time unable to provide for the family unit and can't even get her to and from work regularly. My sister's boss is going to give her a car once she has a license. I think it'll be really good for her to have at least a means to get to and from work, or even just go to the store on her own accord. I'm rooting for her all the way right now.

I've had quite the sweet tooth lately, my mom's friend made us a cake late july for my mom's birthday, and we also had cake in August on my mom's birthday, and since then I've been craving cake cake cake. lol. I even bought some Little Debbie fancy cakes. It's unlike me to desire sweets , but when I want them, I want them. I'm sure I'll find reasons to regret it when I check the scale in a few weeks haha. It's worth it in my opinion.

Well, that's about it. I think I'm going to journal a little bit. I have therapy tomorrow so let's hope I find it runs smoothly. I did my homework and I'm "prepared" but sometimes I get bent out of shape about how it will go. It never is a bad experience. I have to remember how helpful she's been for me. Random challenge to anyone who is reading this. I found this kinda cool idea online -- if you're up for it, I have a request. I'm trying to find new ways to interact with the forum. I've been using the chatroom feature some, and it's a bit of an easier space to talk for me as well... if you're looking to make a new friend, why not send me a PM? I'm happy to make conversation, big or small.

Thanks for reading!