I am feeling fragile, emotionally fragile. My guess is that the transition from Inpatient Hospitalization to the real world has not been entirely smooth. Last time I was hospitalized, I had no trouble jumping right back into the real world, but, unfortunately that is not the case this time.

This time it is almost like I could have used a buffer period. Where I went to work part of the day for a few days and then stayed home for part of the day. I don't know how practical that would be to actually work out in the workplace.


To go from Inpatient Hospitalization--where all the decisions are made for you and you are entirely dependent on others for all your needs--to the real world where one has to pull it together and act cool, confident, and in control--well it is quite the act to make that seem as though it were the case.


Perhaps there may be some overwhelm in my system. I am guessing here, but it might be so. Usually I can be very high functioning and manage quite fine in the real world. This time though, it seems much more difficult.

I think I am being overly sensitive. Aside from that I think I am being overly critical of myself. I keep having these feelings of shame, disappointment and embarrassment that I had to go to the hospital again. Somehow it got out around Church that I was in the hospital. I don't know if people knew it was the psych hospital, but I received a card from four ladies who hang out together, and some texts from people. While these things should make me feel good, I feel randomly violated that it came out that I was hospitalized. Is violated the right word? I looked it up. The online dictionary says that one meaning is: failure to respect a person's peace, privacy or rights. Yes, I think that is a good definition. I don't know why I am feeling this way. Baffling. I am pretty open about my mental health struggles.


Today I have come close to tears a few times, and I am not a crier so that is a warning sign to me, only I'm not sure what the warning is about. I haven't actually cried. But I've gotten teary eyed.


Part of me that wants to self harm wants to punish me for having to go to the hospital. Sigh. I know that the hospital was a good choice and a good option. But that is head knowledge. The emotions do what they want. Part of me that wants to self harm is saying, "hey, I'm not doing the greatest still. Let's not just act like everything is okay." Even though that is what I am doing, acting like everything is okay. And some stuff is legitimately better: the suicidal thoughts for example. But it isn't a magic pill or something, going to the hospital. It doesn't automatically change everything for a person. The struggle is still very much real. The battle still wages.xoxoxo Kit