Dear T,
I'm sorry about that. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, or at least not at the end. Though...then I felt sort of stuck reassuring you? What am I supposed to say to "She's probably a better therapist than me"?

I think part of this is that I maybe hoped you'd just say, when I mentioned handshakes, that you'd decided you were OK with them, maybe with certain conditions or maybe after your next trip. So I thought there was a chance we could today, but I didn't say that. And I didn't want to come out and ask, for fear you'd say, "no, not now, and not ever again!" But I imagine you'd have wanted me to actually ask again.... I also would have felt really awkward going into all the meaning behind them that I'd discussed with R, only to have you say "nope!" Maybe we'll have that discussion Monday, what I talked about with her. (Hm, I suppose I could ask before the discussion if you'd made a decision?)

I also just had the realization that maybe some of this is that I feel R is someone else who cares about me (even if I don't see her that often) and with whom I feel safe. And so I don't want to feel that's limited to like 4 or 5 times a year. Like, I can have one or the other of you. But to know I could potentially consult with her, at other times, even if I don't ever pursue that, gives me some sense of security, of safety. I'm not sure if that would make sense to you, but it does to me.

I may end up emailing you--I'll see how I'm feeling a bit later. I know tomorrow is Saturday, but, like you said, today was the first day of your work week. So I feel less bad emailing you--plus I didn't while you were away. I do wonder, too, if some of this was just my holding it all in while you were gone, not wanting to admit to you today that, even though I hadn't reached out, I did really miss you. And then you'll be going away again relatively soon (though I'm glad you were able to schedule me so that I'm definitely seeing you twice that week).
Love,
LT