Music sounds good, so I listen to that.. I search up about "Music appreciation" - Because I remember with my dad, listening to the radio (Some of my best times past few years - We like spending time together, even though it's rare), the broadcaster said "Music sounds maybe.. 2-2.5 better today".. My dad was like "What must he be on?!".

But yeah.. I realize how much stuff I don't know.. and I just want to be interested in things, in a reality that I can get lost in. Cuz I have infinity to go (As far as I know).

But I have to do it in my own way.. A sort of secret would be, just doing what is natural/myself.. I never considered myself as a "psychonaut", but reading the wiki - all of the effects... Hallucinations, altered states, lucid dreams. Schiz, yeah... I always was curious though. I'm not AFRAID. I'm not afraid.

PsychonautWiki

And I told job that I'm interested in philosophy... There's just so much to learn - I feel like I have time for nothing - Videos ready to play (Alex Jones for one.. People judge me, but I gotta find out things for myself), investigating all things, putting it together.. @WA... So just reading this;

Philosophy - Wikipedia - I started by watching a crash course but I can sit through videos and take notes (Concentration issues - Which I plan to do meditation for.. One day at a time) but just lists of things.. anything.. , I can go deeper into with what I find interesting..

If things are new, that's good.. I get to enjoy myself - Some things = Refreshing my memory (Cuz I SCAN everything.. I rarely search deep into things... But I made a section in my notes about "1 hour research notes" - Which happens rarely). I have to be positive and not let people get me down for avoiding learning in the beginning, being crushed by the weight of life/catholic school/abusive ex step dad/isolation, etc... and... Not get judged by people that don't understand.

I told my mom that I read that book about drug decriminalization (Cuz starting Jan 2023, everything near here is decriminalized - Like Portugal..), showed her a video of the streets - She said during 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, they had to drive the PM around the tents and such).. People have have empathy for = Addicts, homeless, mentally ill, etc.. I told her about the legalization book too (By a neuropsychpharmacologist - He's now a member of MAPS - The organization that funds research for psychedelics in treating mental illness)...

So things come can come together if I try (In the right conditions)... "RAW Spirituality" is one YT channel I found that really helps with my situation..

RAW Spirituality - YouTube

Spiritual.. But honesty about it too.. I know my mom would have felt much better if I was diagnosed with autism (Easily could have happened) but with schiz, at least it can be treated... I think I'm okay - A little paranoia is good for anyone (A few % or so).. I'll lower the Invega Trinza again when I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks. Just got to keep trying (This will be the 3rd time).

I felt really aggressive and out of control today but extra phenibut calmed me down a little - I was also bored at work and had no mental energy, having suicidal thoughts.. But I'll try to put more effort tomorrow. I've had heart OCD two nights in a row/palpitations (From Berberine? I should just ask my psychiatrist for metformin and see if I don't get that side effect + It's more effective) - I DO have time for learning about fasting.. But whatever give me MORE time, to boost quality of life..

I was gonna hike with my mom last night (During the full moon) but she was too tired (I wish she didn't have to work so much.. It's saddening.. I want to be able to make enough money to retire my parents.. But they're gonna die in ~5-10 years... I have a friend that says if he worried, it would drive him "insane" - But I DO think about these things.. Constant healthy anxiety, to protect me .. because it's not irrational.. It's normal) - But we took some pictures of the moon.. I said to my mom "I want to feel the magic of life" (Cuz I think antipsychotics can take that away).. If anyone has any insight about that, let me know...