Update on my situation.

She has finally found a place to live. Went in to the house a week or so ago and seen she was packing things. Was excited to see she was finally getting out but it hurt to see our marriage end. Was hard to see all the things she had in the house disappear. I didn't think it would bother me much but it has been. Starting to have a lot of resentment recently. I start to think about how things were in the past and I'm really starting to see how I was treated and I do see all the signs that she hasn't loved me for a long time. The only answer I can get out of her for the reasons behind her falling out of love with me is just that it is her. She just fell out of love and when she couldn't figure out why she tried to distance herself from me. Wanted me to be the one who got tired of her and leave. For years she treated me this way. She stopped wanting to spend time with me. Began rejecting me for kiss, handholding, cuddling, and everything that was intimate. Intimacy is something I need. I remember many times where I would talk to her about how I felt like she didn't love me anymore. I remember all the times I would become angry because she wouldn't be intimate with me. So much rejection and I tried so hard to make the relationship work but I can't do it alone. She gave up a long time ago.

These are all of the thoughts running through my head the past week and it has caused me to become angry. There have been two days now where I tried to go into the house and talk to her and she is nothing but angry, mean, and frustrated with me. This causes me to lose my temper and I start hitting things and screaming and yelling. Bringing up all of the past memories I talked about earlier. I talked to her about all of the resentment and how I have felt hurt by her. She shows no remorse and no emotions. It hurts to see her not be upset to see our marriage fall apart. I am so broken up over it. The second time I stormed into the house and it was worse. She threatened to call the cops. I never once touched her and I never would. I've never acted like this in the relationship and she said the same thing. Said she was scared cause she's never seen me like that and didn't know what I was capable of. I'm just hurt and I wanted her to see it. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling but I know she doesn't. I regret my actions but it felt good to get all of the feelings out. She talked out all of my feelings of resentment with me. She has just changed so much. Says she doesn't want any relationship and wants to be alone and do what she wants to do.

I talked to my counselor about the situation. She said if I don't stop storming into the house with her there then I'm going to get into trouble. Said I have got to stop talking to her and going into the house, driving by the house, and avoid everything that involves the house until she is gone. She wanted to know why I think talking to her is ever a good thing and how it helps me in anyway. I know its not a good thing and it never helps me. I think I keep searching for the wife I use to have. The one who use to talk to me about everything. I know my wife isn't there anymore. I feel like I don't know who she is anymore and I know she cares about me but she is done with the marriage. Says she wants to be friends someday but if I keep acting like this then it won't happen. It is just so hard to not talk to her. It has only been four days of no contact with her and today has been the hardest. Sunday's were always our days together. At least until she began pulling away from me. I know I deserve someone better but that someone isn't here right now and I worry about all of the uncertainty with the future. I have been doing so much to work on myself but it is still hard to let her go. All of the resentment I have been having for her makes me glad she is gone but there is still this part of me that loves her and doesn't want to let go. I don't ever want her back, I want to let go, I want to move on, and I want to feel better but everything is still fresh and she is still living in the house. I know the only thing left for me to do is focus on me and time is the only thing to help with the pain. Just trying hard to stay no contact but it has been one of the most difficult things to do.