@MuddyBoots

I completely understand the paranoia. I was there a few weeks ago. On the day I got hospitalized I had to weigh out my options on where to go. I felt if I didn’t go to program they would call the police and the police would just kill me themselves or just be impostors who would pretend to be cops. So I went to program but couldn’t go inside for fear, and then I had to weigh out options again because I can’t physically run so if I tried to leave on foot I was sure the cops would be called then too.

Thing is, muddy boots, you are now becoming a possible danger to others as well as yourself. I know, I held my box cutter in my hand the whole time I was at work toward the end and also have something in my car. Still there, haven’t remembered to remove it yet. I don’t know what could have happened if I hadn’t been forced IP. We don’t want you to hurt yourself for sure or anyone else.

Am I correct in remembering you went off of one of your APs? If so maybe it’s just not the right time yet to do that. I did the same thing, figured what the hell, I only need this if I’m unstable mood-wise. But then I didn’t recognize that the anxiety was also an unstable mood state.

I really feel for you and I do hope you get some relief soon, it was 100% terrifying for me and I can feel that it’s terrifying for you too

PS - those crisis lines didn’t help me either when I was in a partial care program, they told me just wait for Monday so I can go there. I think they are definitely useful to coordinate services for those that don’t already have them or aren’t in a higher level of care.

PLEASE be safe and tell your team ASAP that you feel in danger from an outside source, whatever that may be.