I got my car back. Saw my peer support person. Lied a little bit (she asked if I had used any substances lately and I just said my memory is fuzzy but I don’t think so). We’re starting WRAP. She wants me to get into the DBT group. NA was alright. I’ve logically got step 1 down but in my bones I feel like I can control myself although gh it’s pretty obvious I can’t. I keep thinking of this song that popped up on Spotify a while back that’s about heroin addiction and has a line that goes “just a quick fix then I’ll get clean” and that’s how it is. I’m impulsive. I see an opportunity without much effort and I take it. I know what I did was serious **** and at this point any day could be my last because it’s true. I am powerless with an illusion of control.

I’m super depressed and ashamed. Not sure if it’s still the meth comedown or if it’s the mania crash but either way I’m not well. I went up to 50mg of Lamictal this morning. I talked to a friend that knows my situation pretty well and she doesn’t think I can make it to my next pdoc appointment. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve become accustomed to white knuckles. My hands are numb at this point.

Off on my 1.5 hour drive.

edit: And now I feel like I just injected God!

edit 2: and that feeling has passed and I want to punch a hole through a titanium wall