I cancelled all of my sessions with T. I WILL PAY DEARLY FOR THIS! I am already in massive emotional pain. I've given myself a harsh sentence it seems.

I am soooo devastated!!!!! There's so much leading up to this, there's not enough room to describe.

The other day in session I told him that I did not want to go back to one day a week (I go twice a week). He said, "Well, when do you plan on doing this?" Ughhhh. I said, "Never," LOL. He said that we will talk about it at a later session since it was time to go. I told him that I wanted an answer now, that I couldn't wait until the next session. He said, "It's time to go." I told him, "I hate that you have the power and I have none." Last night, I was thinking of how angry I was and kept repeating the phrase, "How could he use his Power to dispense affection and withdraw it as he sees fit???!!!" [Oh, the transference -- I just figured this one out last night. T will never know].

I called him on the phone today and told him that I was really upset over how the session ended. He said, "You can't build your life around me." Ouch!!! Talk about making me feel disgusting and repulsive for being needy. He had told me before that I would be the one to decide when to go back to two days. I guess that wasn't true. (I did tell Pdoc that I would go to once a week because I wanted to do what is right. I totally chickened out).

I have never been so frustrated in my life. I don't know how to communicate all of this. It is so difficult to communicate with myself internally. This is a major issue that causes me to become so angry and frustrated. . .

He was my last hope. There will be no more.