@rachelholland

I was a sex addict for a period in my life following the breakup of a long-term relationship where I was codependent. It's like I was looking for the next big score, or I'd say to myself 'just one more time' (like an alcoholic might). I was cavalier in my approach and felt rushes and 'highs' (and I'm not bipolar) from the encounters. At the time, I had an inflated ego. And I was proud of my escapades... even though I knew, deep down, that I was on the wrong path.

The reason, I'm telling you this is because I have the sense that you are not a sex addict. Someone mentioned about that you might consider a seeing therapist. I think that would be a very good idea. It sounds like you're hurting a lot and I am sorry that you are experiencing pain.

The thing that came to my mind for you, in your case, was OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) for which there is a forum, here, on this site. You may want to google "OCD & intrusive sexual thoughts", as a place to start.

Again, I feel for you as you are clearly suffering. So sorry to know you are hurting. There was clearly a lack of boundaries when you were growing up, so be gentle with yourself. It's not your fault.

As a part of OCD (which I have some, too), we often feel something bad will happen. Intrusive or unwanted thoughts pop into our brain and sometimes we act on them or perform rituals so as not to act on them and prevent something bad from happening.

Another thing I first experienced when I was your age was 'derealization' : where things didn't feel real. I'm wondering if you are also experiencing that as well? It can be a scary sensation, but it is a reaction to stress.

Let me know if what I said makes any sense to you or rings any bells...

And let us know how you get on...

Hang in there! There are answers and solutions...

((((HUGS))))